Me Love Baby

Sorry for the super long post but I feel like I need to document my feelings about this pregnancy thing. It's hard to even know where to start. I guess it begins with when John and I decided to start trying. I'm what we call a slight-rebel. (A slight-rebel entails things like streaking and skinny dipping and sneaking out: all of which I was known to do in High School. Shhh…don't tell my parents. They are the conservative sort.) So being married and of the LDS faith, slight-rebelness means not having a baby a year after you get married. Not that that's a bad thing…it's just a common thing. And I prefer being different. 

I had it in my head that I wanted to 1. Be done with school before I had a baby and 2. Use my degree in a good job for at least a year. I thought these were reasonable wishes. John was ready to hold me to these wishes TO THE DAY. He was ready to start our little family about a year before I was. My time for excuses was up last May and John and I had many talks about if we were ready. I pushed back and pushed back until one day at work it hit me really hard that we needed to be ready. I took a few quiet minutes at my desk and let it sink in. Finally I wasn't scared anymore. I felt like it was an honorable responsibility to take on. It was a quiet personal moment that nobody else knew about but something that I really needed. And thus the trying began. 

And more trying... 

And even more trying... 

I think this has been one of the greatest emotional roller coasters I've ever been on. Drill Team in high school - you got nothin on me anymore! For some reason it wasn't working for us. Of course when you are trying you begin to notice pregnant women everywhere. A few of our friends announced their happy news and told us that they practically blinked and got pregnant. What was wrong with us? What was wrong with me? I felt super lonely and misunderstood. Crawling back in bed with John after seeing that single line on the pregnancy test morning after morning was about the worst thing in the world. 

After months of trying we decided to distract ourselves with searching for houses. Maybe a baby wasn't right for us right now. We decided to enjoy being DINKs (double-income-no-kids) and take advantage of the housing market. I will say there were moments of bitterness. Definite bitterness. (I thought we were ready!) but my mom kept telling me to take solace in the fact that we were doing our best and living God's commandments and that's all we could do.

We started putting a few offers on short sales and tried to not get our hopes up. We figured we weren't in a hurry to move so short sales were great. Plus…being someone that is slightly afraid of big commitment, dragging out a short sale actually made me feel better. Well, our luck with babies wasn't great but apparently our luck with short sales was! We heard back on one of our offers in 3 months. Which I guess is pretty unheard of. So there we were. Confused and nervous since we planned on having offers out there for a long time. We finally agreed that this was too good of a deal to pass up and decided that, as long as we could tear out the atrocious tile, we wanted the house. 

And I guess you know the story from here. Right in the middle of tearing our new home apart I came home from work and took a test. It was positive in seconds. I stared at it blinking not believing my eyes. I started to laugh cry by myself on the pot and couldn't wait till John got home. The first thing he said to me after I showed him was ''DON'T YOU LIE TO ME SARAH'' What a lovely relationship we have! Ha we are too used to relentlessly teasing each other. 

Going to the doctor a week later told us that we were already 9 weeks along! What? I had been pregnant for 9 WEEKS AND DIDN'T KNOW? WHO DOES THAT?

I WASN'T EVEN TAKING MY PRENATALS!!! (insert initial new mom panic and heavy breathing here_____ ) 

Literally I thought the doctor was going to say ''Are you on something? You're not pregnant'' But instead he chatted it up with John as he squirted cold jelly on my stomach and up came the image above. At this time John started squeezing my ankle - HARD - and i was forced to interrupt their mindless chatter to say ''IS THAT OUR BABY??'' to which he laughed and said yep. and I said back ''SO, YOU'RE SAYING WE REALLY ARE PREGNANT??'' 

And yes. We really are. Still, I don't believe it. 

I know that 10 months isn't long to some people and I'm not about to say that we deserve pats on the back for trying for "so long". But I am saying that, to us, 10 months felt like 10 lifetimes and that this little baby inside me feels like our little miracle. I am so scared and so excited and feel so lucky to be a part of something as amazing as creating life. 

Can you believe I'M GROWING A HUMAN?






ps. my heart stopped beating for a minute when I heard that tiny heart beat. Can I get that on repeat please?